The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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