Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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