When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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