Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize