my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
My penis needs a shock collar
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
