I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
