It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I want her autograph on my taint
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
