I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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