I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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