my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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