you didnt know i had herpes?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
