On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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