My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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