I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Small penises have feelings too.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
