it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
