the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
