Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
smell my finger.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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