Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
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