my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
