wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
