im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
