im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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