The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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