so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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