Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
