Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
