sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
