there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
