Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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