I want to have your abortion
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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