I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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