Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
