i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
