exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
