Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
