I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
