you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
