Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
