i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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