we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
