I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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