so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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