Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
