it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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