I would go down on you faster than GM stock
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
