I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
