I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
