Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
