I wish my penis had an off switch
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
