It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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