i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I think your dad took our porno
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize