btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
