U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize