this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
