My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
