Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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