You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
