dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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