I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize