My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
