Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Less talking, more tequila
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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