You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
