Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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